Questions come from a place of curiosity, a place of wonder, or wanting to know more. As adults we often lose the ability to ask good, honest, or quizzical questions. Some of this, no doubt, has to do with pride—an unwillingness to be vulnerable or to show ignorance. As an example, my wife and I were watching a movie and part of the action was in Rome. When it started snowing I was not sure what to make of it. Does it snow in Rome? That seems like something I should already know. If I ask my, who has a geography degree, will she think less of me?
Kids don’t worry adults might think less of them for asking questions, it is understood that kids have questions, they do not magically know everything (that some later and only last a few years in most cases:) I remember before a long car ride one of my kids asking me once why we do not move our house around since it is so much nicer than our car. I suppose that question stuck with me because of its whimsy. That my kids non longer ask such questions I find sad, but at least it is because they are getting older and not because of a culture of shame or silence in our house.
It is one of my personal relational battles, trying to get people to ask questions, to be open to asking, to open themselves up knowing they will not be ridiculed, hoping to have to open the big fancy multi-volume dictionary in our home. I’m not good at it, that dictionary is covered in dust and cat hair these days, but I aspire nevertheless.
Podcasters ask a lot of questions, and only the best question askers will make it in that world. I heard one of them once ask what has turned into one of my favourite get-out-of-small talk questions: What is something about your job people would never be able to guess? It shows interest in something important to them, it gets them reflecting, it gets us out of their pat answers, and it gets us into something specific maybe even unique and so deeper and more meaningful. There is a lot of connective power hiding within a good question.
I’ve been reading about how Canadians are finding it harder and harder to make friends, I experience that as a forty-something male! As a nation we are spending less and less time together with our family and friends, and that making friends is harder than ever are two truths we all seem to bemoan but accept without putting up a fight. This has many consequences, all of them sad.
I believe questions and belonging can go hand in hand.
I mourn what I see as our communal loss of question asking and wonder if it may be part of the answer to our loneliness epidemic. Asking less questions means:
we learn less,
we stay on the surface with each other more (as we accept single-word answers like “fine” of “busy”),
and for many people it seems to be the case that we are floating along with tides and waves and rarely getting down to what really matters to us.
I remember some deeply personal conversations years later, they brought me closer to the person, I would like to have more such memories, so I must make them because it matters to me.
Sometimes we do not even know what matters to us because, well, we have stopped asking such questions.
What is really important to me?
Where did I learn what is important and what’s not?
What did I used to believe that has turned out incorrect?
What do I want to be when I grow up?
Am I heading the direction I want to be?
When is the last time you thought about your money-spending habits or time-management with the question where did it all go?
How often to we reflect on who are the most important people in our lives and how we invest in them?
Sometimes I am forced to think about what my priorities are, really, and whether my calendar represents them (family, health, faith, community service). If the calendar is out of alignment then changes need to be made. More often than not if I am asking this it means a lack of alignment is present.
As we enter 2026 what questions are you asking yourself? I would love to hear some of them, maybe we can help each other refine our question asking skills by sharing the ones we find most helpful.
Paul Tripp once noted that, “You can’t get to the right answers if you spend your life asking the wrong questions.” Which suggests that getting back on track with our ability to ask questions without fear of looking silly or of what the answer might be, is a worthy endeavour for most of us.
So why don’t we move our houses instead of our cars?
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